Online Earning 100% Test No Need Experience

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Wanted A Wife

Wanted A Wife


A news paper had a humor page with following matrimonial published in it.

BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.

LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.



******

Sardaar's Joke

Sardaar's Joke

Sardar ki wife inspecter se!

Mera husband ek hafte pehle aalo
lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaya:-(

Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:-
to behan kuch or paka lo:-)


:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Confusing English

Confusing English

Yes or NO? It's all the same!

Fill these blanks with YES or NO

______________, I don't have a brain.

______________, I don't have sense.

______________, I am stupid.

:D :D :D :roll: :roll: :D :D :D

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.


"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

- It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

Man : Is there any way for long life ?
Doctor : Get married.


Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come.

:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
 

Private Grief

Private Grief
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his

dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"



The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
 
 

Blonde paint job

Blonde paint job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


:D :lol:
 

I love this Doctor!!!!

I love this Doctor!!!!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient

mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention

of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -

body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and

screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2.. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Women :)

Women :)

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Intelligence

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
The father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, Because I still have mine.'

Husband Wife

Husband Wife
 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Rakhi Jokes Collection

Rakhi Jokes Collection

"Mein uske paas tha

Woh mere karib thi

Fir woh mere paas aayi

Aur thodi si ghabraayi

Jab meine uska haath pakada

To woh thodi si sharmaayi

Usne kaha aaj hum

Aise bandhan me bandh jaaye

Jise duniya ki

Koi taakat na tod paaye

Usne mera haath

Haatho me lekar kaha

Yeh to janam janmo

Ka bandhan hai

Phir mujhe yaad aaya

Woh Saawan ka mausam

Woh poonam ki raat
Yeh to Raksha Bandhan hai!"

******************************

"Har ladki aapke liye bekarar hai,
Har ladki ko aapka intezar hai,
Ye apka koi kamal nahi hai mere bhai,
Kuch din baad “RAKHI” ka tyohar hai."

********************************


"Meri khushi ka andaaza

Lagana mushkil tha

Par iske aage jo hua

Woh batana bhi mushkil hai"

*****************************

"Rishta hai janmo ka hamara,

Bharose ka aur pyaar bhara,

Chalo, ise bandhe bhaiya,

Rakhi ke atut bandhan mein.

'Happy Raksha Bandhan' to my dearest bro."

*************************************


"Payal chhankati ayee thi…..

Payal chhankati chali gayee

Main sindoor leke khada tha,

Mujhe Rakhi pehnake chali gayee."

*******************************

"Kaamyabi tumhare kadam chume,
Khushiyan tumhare charo aur ho,

Par bhagwan se itni prarthana karne ke liye,

tum mujhe kuch to commission do!

To my extremely lovable (but kanjoos) brother..

Just kidding as always.

"Happy Raksha Bandhan"

***************************


Usane hathon pe mahendi laga rakhi thi,

Humne usaki doli saja rakhi thi,

Hume pata tha wo bewafa nikalegi,

Isliye humne usaki bahen bhi pata rakhi thi.

*************************************

"Savdhan !!!!!
Agar aap bus, train, plane ya kahin se bhi aa jaa rahe ho aur kisi mahila/ladki ke hath mein

phool,dhaga,chain ya chamakti hue koi bhi vastu dekhein to turant wahan se bhag jaye.

Yah vastu RAKHI ho sakti hai. Apki zara si laaparwahi apko BHAI bana sakti hai.

Purush heet mein jaaree ....."
 
 
 
######################################

Laws Which Newton Forgot to State

Some Important Laws vs Newton Law


Some Important Laws Which Newton Forgot to State

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 

Baby Born in Hospital

Baby Born in Hospital

HOSPITALE AK MOHILAR BABY HOCHHE, NURSE ASE BOLLO MAYE HOECHHE, ATA SUNE MOHILAR SASURI BOLLO ATODIN POR BABY TAO ABAR MAYE, ATA SUNE MOHILA BOLLO TAO TO HOECHHE APNAR CELER(SON) ASAI THAKLE TAO HOTO NA.

What do women do all day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

Nymphomaniac having sleeping problems

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Dirty Whale swimming with girlfriend

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

Guy dies and finds himself in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

70 Ways to keep a woman happy

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy.

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

Newest drugs following the success of Viagra

Newest drugs following the success of Viagra:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

What is common between Sex and Shopping?

What is common between Sex and Shopping?

SEX and SHOPPING have one thing in common...
What..?
In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on n on n on.....!!

Jab Tak Choot Pe Lund Dhare Koi...

Jab Tak Choot Pe Lund Dhare Koi...

Jab tak choot pe lund naa dhare koi
Aise pyaar muhabbat ko Kya kare koi

Lund ho mota lamba taaza toh choot bhi Dasi
Chota dheela ho toh reh jati hai choot hi piyasi
Aise mein pyaar ka dam kiya bhare koi

Nain naqs hoon khoobsorat gudraya badan
Haq hai mile un ko mota pala playa Lund
Tu har waqt kyun naa muskarya kare koi

Aur jo niklein Khudanakhasta naseeb khote
Shaadi unse ho jin ke lund hoon piplay chote
Phir hamsay ko bhai keh kar bulaya kare koi

Chudne se pehle jo karein pyaari batein
Dein biviun ko apne boson ki sughatein
Kaise nah unse pyaar jitaya kare koi

Aur phir jo karein chudaai tikaa kar
Andar baher karein injar pinjar hila kar
Dasi ban ke kaise nah unki sewa kiya kare koi

Ho jate hein jo do chaar jhatkon mein Khalaas
Unko hota nahein doosron ke jazbaat ka paas
Aise mein kaise thandi aah nah bharein kare koi

Pyaar mast chudai ka hi doosra naam hai
Jin ka ho kaam accha, unko chooton ka salaam hain
Kaash har kissi ko khushiyan diya kare koi..

Guy going to church only on Christmas and Easter

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshipers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, "You need to join the army of the Lord."

My friend replied, "I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father."

So the vicar enquired, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?"

My friend whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." 

Polish guy ordering drink for lesbian

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

People Luffing time

Some people think why people luffing....