Wanted A Wife
A news paper had a humor page with following matrimonial published in it.
BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
******
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sardaar's Joke
Sardaar's Joke
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aalo
lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaya:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:-
to behan kuch or paka lo:-)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aalo
lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaya:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:-
to behan kuch or paka lo:-)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Confusing English
Confusing English
Yes or NO? It's all the same!
Fill these blanks with YES or NO
______________, I don't have a brain.
______________, I don't have sense.
______________, I am stupid.
:D :D :D :roll: :roll: :D :D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
- It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Man : Is there any way for long life ?
Doctor : Get married.
Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come.
:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Yes or NO? It's all the same!
Fill these blanks with YES or NO
______________, I don't have a brain.
______________, I don't have sense.
______________, I am stupid.
:D :D :D :roll: :roll: :D :D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
- It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Man : Is there any way for long life ?
Doctor : Get married.
Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come.
:D :D
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
Private Grief
Private Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Blonde paint job
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
:D :lol:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
:D :lol:
I love this Doctor!!!!
I love this Doctor!!!!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2.. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2.. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Women :)
Women :)
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Intelligence
Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
The father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, Because I still have mine.'
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
The father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, Because I still have mine.'
Husband Wife
Husband Wife
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Rakhi Jokes Collection
Rakhi Jokes Collection
"Mein uske paas tha
Woh mere karib thi
Fir woh mere paas aayi
Aur thodi si ghabraayi
Jab meine uska haath pakada
To woh thodi si sharmaayi
Usne kaha aaj hum
Aise bandhan me bandh jaaye
Jise duniya ki
Koi taakat na tod paaye
Usne mera haath
Haatho me lekar kaha
Yeh to janam janmo
Ka bandhan hai
Phir mujhe yaad aaya
Woh Saawan ka mausam
Woh poonam ki raat
Yeh to Raksha Bandhan hai!"
******************************
"Har ladki aapke liye bekarar hai,
Har ladki ko aapka intezar hai,
Ye apka koi kamal nahi hai mere bhai,
Kuch din baad “RAKHI” ka tyohar hai."
********************************
"Meri khushi ka andaaza
Lagana mushkil tha
Par iske aage jo hua
Woh batana bhi mushkil hai"
*****************************
"Rishta hai janmo ka hamara,
Bharose ka aur pyaar bhara,
Chalo, ise bandhe bhaiya,
Rakhi ke atut bandhan mein.
'Happy Raksha Bandhan' to my dearest bro."
*************************************
"Payal chhankati ayee thi…..
Payal chhankati chali gayee
Main sindoor leke khada tha,
Mujhe Rakhi pehnake chali gayee."
*******************************
"Kaamyabi tumhare kadam chume,
Khushiyan tumhare charo aur ho,
Par bhagwan se itni prarthana karne ke liye,
tum mujhe kuch to commission do!
To my extremely lovable (but kanjoos) brother..
Just kidding as always.
"Happy Raksha Bandhan"
***************************
Usane hathon pe mahendi laga rakhi thi,
Humne usaki doli saja rakhi thi,
Hume pata tha wo bewafa nikalegi,
Isliye humne usaki bahen bhi pata rakhi thi.
*************************************
"Savdhan !!!!!
Agar aap bus, train, plane ya kahin se bhi aa jaa rahe ho aur kisi mahila/ladki ke hath mein
phool,dhaga,chain ya chamakti hue koi bhi vastu dekhein to turant wahan se bhag jaye.
Yah vastu RAKHI ho sakti hai. Apki zara si laaparwahi apko BHAI bana sakti hai.
Purush heet mein jaaree ....."
######################################
"Mein uske paas tha
Woh mere karib thi
Fir woh mere paas aayi
Aur thodi si ghabraayi
Jab meine uska haath pakada
To woh thodi si sharmaayi
Usne kaha aaj hum
Aise bandhan me bandh jaaye
Jise duniya ki
Koi taakat na tod paaye
Usne mera haath
Haatho me lekar kaha
Yeh to janam janmo
Ka bandhan hai
Phir mujhe yaad aaya
Woh Saawan ka mausam
Woh poonam ki raat
Yeh to Raksha Bandhan hai!"
******************************
"Har ladki aapke liye bekarar hai,
Har ladki ko aapka intezar hai,
Ye apka koi kamal nahi hai mere bhai,
Kuch din baad “RAKHI” ka tyohar hai."
********************************
"Meri khushi ka andaaza
Lagana mushkil tha
Par iske aage jo hua
Woh batana bhi mushkil hai"
*****************************
"Rishta hai janmo ka hamara,
Bharose ka aur pyaar bhara,
Chalo, ise bandhe bhaiya,
Rakhi ke atut bandhan mein.
'Happy Raksha Bandhan' to my dearest bro."
*************************************
"Payal chhankati ayee thi…..
Payal chhankati chali gayee
Main sindoor leke khada tha,
Mujhe Rakhi pehnake chali gayee."
*******************************
"Kaamyabi tumhare kadam chume,
Khushiyan tumhare charo aur ho,
Par bhagwan se itni prarthana karne ke liye,
tum mujhe kuch to commission do!
To my extremely lovable (but kanjoos) brother..
Just kidding as always.
"Happy Raksha Bandhan"
***************************
Usane hathon pe mahendi laga rakhi thi,
Humne usaki doli saja rakhi thi,
Hume pata tha wo bewafa nikalegi,
Isliye humne usaki bahen bhi pata rakhi thi.
*************************************
"Savdhan !!!!!
Agar aap bus, train, plane ya kahin se bhi aa jaa rahe ho aur kisi mahila/ladki ke hath mein
phool,dhaga,chain ya chamakti hue koi bhi vastu dekhein to turant wahan se bhag jaye.
Yah vastu RAKHI ho sakti hai. Apki zara si laaparwahi apko BHAI bana sakti hai.
Purush heet mein jaaree ....."
######################################
Laws Which Newton Forgot to State
Some Important Laws vs Newton Law
Some Important Laws Which Newton Forgot to State
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Some Important Laws Which Newton Forgot to State
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
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